On a whim, I bought a tiny notebook today after seeing Benjamin Button at the dollar theater and decided to try to write down every tangible thought as it occurred during my trek back to my apartment.
-Empathetic to a fault breeds numbness in defense
-Faced with apathy I will take action
-I wonder if we're attracted to the idea of people before we're attracted to the people themselves
-Is true love the realization you love someone more than the role they fulfill?
-Do I feel my own pain ever or is it easier to just carry others' and make it my own?
-There was a man in the movie theater today who twice answered his phone to tell the person who called that he couldn't talk because he was watching a movie. This made me sad and angry. No one has even three hours to give to themselves anymore. Or to everyone else around them who is physically present. Human contact has become pixelated or solely auditory.
-Spring has never looked so foreign. The budding trees are oddly unwelcomed this year. I preferred the trees in their skeletal state. I like watching the sky.
-Cities feel more urban on gray days
-I hate the loneliness of being a non-smoker
-Dad's love-style is "The Provider". Last night he kept refilling my water glass. It was really sweet
-I don't think I can ever go back to MY New Orleans. When I go, it will be a new city
-The more I get out--words, emotions, thoughts, sweat--the less empty I feel
-If I don't go for a run today I'm likely to explode
-Apathy and hesitation are reactions to repeated disappointment
-Young love happens between two people uncorrupted by heartbreak ready to dive in without a second thought
-Trust can be regained with time
-Delayed honesty breeds doubt
-I feel really hurt by my mom's actions last week and wonder how long has this been going on? Could I have ever seen it when I was a kid? How deep into the rabbit hole are we now and how much further do we have to fall?
-Remember: it's not your fall to take. You don't have to fall, too. Do what you can, but you cannot leave the sidelines without making this worse. Yup. You're grounded, Missy. Says who? Yourself
-I feel like I've aged a decade in the last two months
-I have to be the most stable person in my life. Our closest most stable friends will only seem as stable as we ourselves are
[I have terrible handwriting and tend to cluster letters together li kethi s sometimes. That's relevant for the next thought]
-Ass table! Haha!! I will always be thirteen
-We are every age we've ever been. 1-19 never really went away. Sometimes I feel like some of the ages to come are already here
-Late at night my face looks like a real life Picasso painting--eye droop, slanted smile edged to the left, etc. The longer I study it, the less it feels like my own. I get the same feeling when I try to examine my life. Perhaps some things are best viewed in fleeting glances
-I think I believe in symbolism in real life. Or at least that it's worth taking note of if I ever write a fictionalized memoir. A lot of things have broken or been lost lately. My take is that they are all symbolizing a break from the past, moving on, and new directions. Or possibly just absent-mindedness. And sentimental pack-ratism has expiration dates for the products involved
-Urban Apathy: Learned numbness after repeated exposure to blatant pain and suffering
-My bicycle is my most valuable form of transit. It's finally surpassed my car. Sorry Olga.
I'm not always this dark. But I can't pretend like it's never there. And I think there were some interesting thoughts lurking in my brain during that walk and bus ride home. I'm glad they're here too because I give myself I week before I lose or accidentally destroy the mini notebook I bought today.
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